First off, for those of you back in Southern Oregon, I just want to say that I know I’ve been AWOL. I think I virtually disappeared in about July, although my Mom posted things about me on occasion, and then the next time I actually popped up in person was on Halloween. I was actually in GP a few weeks ago, I’ll admit, but that was a really stressful week, and so I didn’t get to drop in, though I wanted to. The truth is, I’m not good with missing people. I don’t know how to show it. And part of my way of dealing with it is to ignore it and focus on where I am and the people there. It’s nothing against you. I did want to catch you guys up to speed on what was happening here several times, but I had no idea where to begin or how to explain. It was just easier, sadly, to not say anything at all. But I’ve been thinking about you guys, and I miss you. I’m sorry for dropping off the face of the earth.
Now, the rest of this is going to be for everyone.
Why did I move to Cannon Beach? I honestly had no intention to do so even a week and a half before I moved here. It wasn’t even a blip on my radar. My Mom had told me about Ecola my entire life, and she’d been pushing me to attend in the weeks leading up to my departure for the coast, but I wasn’t horribly into it. School had been….eh. Work had been as equally lackluster. I knew I needed Christian fellowship but I wasn’t sure about Bible school, because I figured I’d stand a better chance becoming a director if I went somewhere with more opportunities. But I was going to Bible study, and getting back in touch with a professor at RCC, and honestly, I was starting to think that maybe I’d pull myself together and make a decent life for myself in Grants Pass. Secretly, I wasn’t doing so hot there. I was battling chronic depression several times a week, and I’d had emotional breakdowns in which, alone and sobbing, I threw things across the room and stared down deep into the abyss of utter despair and hopelessness. This may sound like me being melodramatic, because I often am, but I am being dead serious. I had very little self esteem, and I was beginning to think that it wasn’t worth trying to make my life better, because, to try to quote Charlie Brown, “everything I touch gets ruined”.
And then my Mom, one evening, was apparently looking into Ecola and found out that CBCC was taking applications for summer staff. And, to be honest, I was not interested. Ecola and Cannon Beach were her thing, not mine. I was not going to, out of the blue, go across the state to some village I’d only been to once and didn’t remember, to live somewhere I’d never been for an entire summer with a bunch of strangers. While not having to pay for lodging and food sounded nice, working normal hours for less than minimum wage did not excite me. And I didn’t want to have to live in some tiny dorm with a bunch of people I didn’t know; I’d tried dorm life at SOU and it had sucked, and I knew that I wasn’t exactly….keen on living with strangers. I did not want to work at some church camp. I’m a little sketchy about group-community-bonding-sharing-feelings-ness, and I didn’t want to spend an entire summer around a circle holding hands and singing “Kumbaya”; I think I would’ve gone nuts, particularly if it was forced participation (hello, stubbornness, how are you doing today?).
My Mom told me that I didn’t have anything keeping me in Grants Pass, point blank, and when she did, I realized that she was right. I didn’t really have any reason to leave, except for work experience and a fresh start–plus, dude, the beach, and I’d get to spend the hottest months of the year in a place that would be markedly cooler and hopefully cloudier. But as much as I didn’t have a reason to leave that actually motivated me to go, I didn’t have a reason to stay, so I decided to go ahead and apply, if anything to make my Mom happy so she’d stop going on about it. I applied to work with the kids, and had a phone interview with Ellen, which helped me actually become somewhat excited, and maybe two days later (my mental timeline is a little fuzzy now), I got a call back: I was hired.
I actually had a job. Someone actually wanted me to work with them. It was only for a summer, but I’d actually gotten a job for myself.
Due to my experience with Fred Meyer almost a year before, that was a shock. I’d gotten myself a job with the school district, yes, but this seemed different. To be a little more frank, I’d gotten myself a job somewhere where basically nobody knew me or my family.
So we drove to Salem about a week after I initially applied, and then to CB the next day. A week and a half whirlwind from not knowing what my plan was to moving across the state. And I still wasn’t horribly enthused–less negative about it than before I’d talked with Ellen, but I wasn’t expecting much, either. I knew the mistakes I’d made at SOU–such as, not challenging myself to be social, thus isolating myself inside my own head and not having a dissenting voice to counter my pessimism–and I’d hoped that I’d actually not remake them. I’d spent months wondering if I could ever really change but fearing that I never would, so I wasn’t optimistic, but I wanted to do better. I wanted to make friends. I didn’t want to spend the summer alone with only work in my life, and I knew I needed accountability to actually be in the Word.
I got to Cannon Beach, and nothing happened quite the way I expected, but mostly in good ways. I just want to fill you in on what happened, generally speaking.
To start off, I worked at the Cannon Beach Christian Conference Center in Cannon Beach, Oregon, this summer. I had a summer staff position, which garnered me….not very much in the way of a paycheck, to be honest, but I got food and housing, so I was fine. CBCC is on the same grounds as Ecola Bible School, and the two are intermixed. CBCC provides space for retreats and conferences from around the country and into Canada; Ecola is, of course, a Bible school, but during the school year, the students are able to work for the conference center part-time. Also on grounds is Charis Kids, “charis” being Greek for “grace”, which is basically the only day care in town. As a part of summer staff, I was put in Charis Kids, which was considered to be part of “Program”; most Program staff actually worked with the kids who came with their families for the retreats, and none of them had anything remotely to do with Charis, while Charis aides (and Mr. Kyle–who is about my age but is almost always referred to universally as ‘Mr. Kyle’) helped out the other Program staff members on Thursdays for Kid Dinner. I spent 8 hours a day, on average, 5 days a week, with children, which, honestly, was a lot more challenging than I’d expected given my limited experiences as a classified substitute for SD7. It was very taxing on me as an introvert and a generally low-energy person, having to be so very ‘on’ for so long almost every single day. However, I got along pretty well with everyone, and I did genuinely like the kids (well, most of them).
Beyond work, some wonderful and interesting things happened. First off, I made friends! Not to say that I haven’t had friends before, and that I didn’t have friends before coming to Cannon Beach (come on guys, really?), but I didn’t used to be optimistic about my ability to form meaningful connections with other humans. But I actually made a surprising number of friends, especially for me. A special shout-out goes to, in no particular order, JJ, Emma, Ken, Marci, Tugboat, and Will. I’m not really going to try describing you guys, because I don’t have your express permission to do so, and because, frankly, ya’ll are just awesome and I’m not even sure how to describe you guys.
So that happened.
Not only had I made myself actually interact with people, but people openly wanted to interact with me. No matter how much I experienced that at home, it was still really weird for me. People actually recognizing that I was new, and wanting to know who I was and where I was from was bizarre, and so very nice.
So, the other thing that happened that was great. I’m going to actually elaborate more on this. Again, my memory of the timeline is fuzzy, and those first few days in CB are mostly a complete blur, because of how much I was trying to get up to speed with things. It was information overload. But, for the other great thing that happened:
I believe it first began at a lunch. I was looking around the Garden Room, which is part of the dining room, for a place to sit and couldn’t really find one. I certainly didn’t find a spot that would be by myself. But I saw an open seat by a window at a table that was mostly full, and I decided to go for it. I’m not sure why; maybe I figured that the people there looked enough like a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits that I might be able to join in. I asked if I could take the empty spot, and they said yes–so far, so good. I was up against a wall (with a window) at a table with a bunch of strangers, which isn’t the sort of place that’s comfortable for me to sit, especially in anywhere new, but I had a place to eat and they seemed nice enough. Looking back, I know Tugboat was there, and I’m pretty sure Caeli was. They probably introduced themselves to me, but like I’ve said, information overload kinda killed my memory, and I’m also bad with names and faces anyway. But at some point, someone asked where “Faust” was. I asked who “Faust” was, and I was told–by Tugboat, I think–that “Faust” was Jonathan (Tugboat, by the way, is actually Trevor). I probably nodded, cool with it, wondering who this other new person (new to me, not to them) was and how he came to be called “Faust”. In confirmation of what I was probably guessing, Tugboat informed me that Jonathan was goth; I remember his tone was almost like, “before you meet him, you should know this”. I just shrugged, at least mentally. It’s not like goths scared me, and I was just going to treat him like a normal person whenever I met him, and not like a space alien. I also wondered what brought a goth to the conference center, although I knew that goths can be Christians, and so I figured that he was a Christian who, through some series of circumstances, basically decided he liked black and chains. Whatever. But I also figured that Christian goths kinda usually stand out a lot compared to mainstream Christians, and it must be really weird for him to be somewhere where nobody’s like him, and I was worried that people might treat him strangely because he’s different. While I figured that, if anyone did, it was unintentional, ostracizing people for not conforming to normal standards is very not cool in my book, and considering I’ve had friends who were goths (and I was kinda one myself in high school), I’ve got a soft spot for them. Thus, I was going to not treat him like a space alien.
I think the first time I actually saw him, he was working in the dish pit later, because he was wearing khakis. Black hair, earrings–okay. That’s Jonathan. I said hi, he said hi, maybe we exchanged “how are you’s”, but as far as I can clearly remember, that was it. We passed by each other at least once in the dining hall.
Then, at some point later–I think still before the conferences actually started–I was at a bonfire. It was late, dark. I don’t remember much about being at the bonfire before the things I’m about to tell you–actually, I don’t remember anything. I just remember seeing two guys standing a few yards away from the fire who hadn’t been there before, and what caught my eye was that the taller of the two had a sword he was swinging around. I thought that was totally cool, LOTR fan that I am, so I walked over–and, indeed, within five minutes, the guy with the sword (Will–and it was a fake) had me pegged as a Middle-Earth fan. At some point soon after (er, I think it was soon after), I asked them if they were familiar with TV Tropes.
And it was at this point that the shadowy, very hard to see male standing on Will’s right, closer to the fire but still the harder to see because he blended in so well to the sheer blackness of night, threw back his head and laughed manically. I might have actually wondered, for a brief moment, if he really was crazy. “DO I KNOW TV TROPES?!” Compared to how seamlessly he fit into the night around him, almost as though he was made from it (and I am being deliberately melodramatic, to the point of corniness, for the amusement of anyone who takes it that way) and belonged to it, he was very, very loud. I don’t think he’d said much, if anything, until he burst out laughing, and it was very, very startling. I hadn’t expected such a dramatic response, especially at such a volume (which I now find hilarious). He explained he’d been on the site almost since it began and that he was a GM for several discussions.
And that was how it began. I finally found someone who knew what TV Tropes was and had completely fallen down the rabbit hole, even more than I had.
We talked about tropes, comics, and Deadpool, and I’m not even sure what all else; Will mentioned a few times that his girlfriend was supposed to be coming, and eventually, a brunette a little taller than me approached; I couldn’t see her, but she was introduced as Marci.
And there, for the first time, the Four Musketeers were all assembled. Our first goal, within minutes of meeting, was to spend an entire day at Powell’s at the earliest possible opportunity (we were also going to take Tugboat).
Anyway, brief hellos aside, that was my first interaction with Jonny: maniacal laughter in the dark of night.
How did I get his number? I don’t remember. But we talked a lot. And eventually, people started asking–or just assuming–that we were dating. People asked us if we liked each other; and once, when Jonny was dressed up for wait staff that evening, someone asked if we were actually on a date. This lasted for a little while, with the two of us laughing about it because seriously, man, no, we’re just friends…except apparently both of us were secretly hiding our feelings even from ourselves, and eventually, Jonny accidentally implied that he liked me. This was after we joked about pretending to date just to troll people, because our shippers were not going to stop shipping us no matter what we said or did anyway, so we might as well have some fun with it. And that was when I realized I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t like him back anymore; I talked with Caeli, and determined that not only was I not ready to date, but I didn’t think he was, either–that said, we needed to talk.
So we did. We talked–the whole “before we get into anything, you should know this….” thing–and agreed that we’d take it slow. We needed to get to know each other first, because while we knew each other enough to like each other in a more-than-friends way, we didn’t actually know each other well. If we were going to enter into a relationship, we were going to do it right and be committed.
Fast forward to the end of summer, when people started asking me when we’d started dating. We were taking a walk on the beach–I think this was after he’d gotten back from a trip back up to the Seattle area, where he’s from–and I decided to ask him exactly when we started dating….because no one had ever actually officially asked. We’d just mentioned in conversation with each other that we were dating, or agreeing when someone else said we were. We’d started dating without either of us asking the other out. And he said it was probably some time in late August; I agreed.
So, Jonny and I have been dating since late August; neither of us know an exact date.
I have a boyfriend, and I love him =) It’s difficult for me to put into words with other people, but I do. He loves me, respects me, and treats me right. We also just get along really well. When I look back on what I knew I needed in someone before this summer–and mind you, while I jokingly brought a skirt in case someone actually asked me on a date, I wasn’t actually looking for anyone–I see that Jonny is it. I needed someone who could understand and handle the fact that I get really down sometimes, that I struggle with depression, and that I like spooky stuff. I needed someone strong willed, so that I wouldn’t have to be afraid of bullying him. I wanted someone who was willing to try things with me, and who wasn’t interested in a cookie cutter existence. I knew that, to be fair to myself and whoever I ended up with, I’d have to tell him that I’m not exactly what one would call ‘normal’, no matter how I chose to present myself (I don’t really bother anymore), and he had to be okay with that.
I found him. Boy, did I find him–or, rather, God just put him in my life with no more ceremony than a vague introduction from Tugboat followed by nighttime crazy laughter. And it was great. In fact, the longer Jonny and I are together, the more I see how we work well together.
He gets me. He loves me for who I am and for who I could be. He lets me be me, and doesn’t want me to be anyone else. He more than ‘gets’ that I struggle with depression–he gets it—and he’s definitely more than ‘okay’ with the fact that I like ‘spooky stuff’–because he’s into it, too. Relationship goals: Gomez and Morticia Addams, all the way. We share similar interests, and he doesn’t want a normal existence any more than I do. And he is not a weak-willed individual.
In Cannon Beach, I have been really really blessed. This is the prettiest stretch of beach on the entire Oregon Coast, and the town is so quaint it’s almost unreal. I got to befriend a great group of people who turned the staff lounge into what I good-naturedly thought of as the G-rated Cheers! bar, and what Marci similarly thought of as Animal Crossing: a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits trying to figure out their stuff and follow God, good people with real issues trying to do better than they were before. I mean all this in the nicest way possible. I have made friends for life, particularly with the Musketeers (Jonny, Will, Marci, and I). I’ve met someone that I hope to spend the rest of my life with. And I finally found somewhere where I feel absolutely free to be who I am, where I’ve felt free to let myself try things, because, in a new place, I didn’t feel like anyone was really judging me. I didn’t have to worry about disappointing them if it turned out that I was the sort of person they wanted.
I want you to know that that fear is absolutely nothing that any of you friends in GP have instilled in me–it’s something that I’ve struggled with inherently for years. I’m simultaneously too much and not enough, and surely people want/expect something different of me than I can give them–those are thoughts I’ve wrestled with for a long time. And you welcoming me into the Bible study was the first step in me getting over it. Through you guys, I learned that I’m wanted. You were happy I was there, you missed me when I was gone, and you wanted to hang out, something which took me a long time to realize and understand. But I still felt like I had to conform, not because of anything you guys said or did, but because of my own fear of not being accepted if I’m not like everyone else. And through the folks in CB and particularly the Musketeers, I’m learning that I’m wanted even if I’m different. I’ve tried to blend in and go unnoticed for so long, but away from the pressures of disappointing people, where I’m free to try new things, well…
I’m now learning to not worry about what other people think of me. I’m learning to accept myself for who I am and not worry about anyone else’s approval. I’m starting to learn that, seriously, everyone’s too worried about their own self-image to give a care about how I look and what I like. Nobody is judging me or evaluating my performance as a friend; nobody is out there thinking they can find someone better. Nobody is reviewing how many boxes I check off for membership (because who likes a poser, right?) in this group or that. People who care about me will see me, not an image or a stereotype or a space alien. See, when I first started experimenting with this, with something I’d been inclined toward for a while but too afraid to express, I was wondering what people would think of me; I reminded myself that these people never saw me before, and I also decided that I just didn’t care. I was going to try it, and the more I did, the more I found I was comfortable with it and liked it. I was also pleasantly surprised that I actually got compliments, even if my outfit was entirely black.
What I learned was simple: nobody cares! So what if I want to wear acid wash skinny jeans, crazy heels, a corset top, black lace gloves, and a leather cuff? That’s just me. Nobody treats me any differently than they did before I started this.
It’s amazing how freeing it is to learn that I can stop worrying about whether or not I measure up.
I hope nobody’s taken offense to anything I said. Any offense was unintentional; I’m not trying to blame anyone for anything–I just have my own problems to work out, and I’m getting through them. I’m just tired of trying to be someone I’m not. Authenticity and honesty are important, and honestly, I’m not bohemian or a hipster. I can still appreciate those lifestyles, but they’re not for me.
So that was my summer. It wasn’t always great–I can think of a few negatives–but I was so very blessed. I was blessed with a degree of independence, which lead to greater self-esteem, and I was blessed to live in a place as beautiful as Cannon Beach. I was blessed with a great group of friends (all for one and one for all!), the freedom to grow as a person, and I was blessed with an amazing boyfriend. I’m starting to trust that what will be will be, that what’s meant to be will always finds its way, because God is in control, so stop worrying. Just do what you can at the moment let the next day come when it will.
And now, the time has come for me to leave Cannon Beach (Jonny is leaving, too). I’ll be returning to Grants Pass theoretically around December 17th, since that’s when we’re all off for Christmas break anyway, but I might have to go back earlier than that, despite how inconvenient it would be to do. I don’t think I could, or should, stay at CBCC any longer; I was very blessed to be here over the summer, but as I’ve gotten away from the summer, the more I’ve been thinking that I’ve gotten what I could out of it and that I need to move on with my life. So, at some point this winter, I’ll be going back to Grants Pass, and I’m hoping to get into the girls’ internship at Edgewater while I finish getting my Associate’s degree. Meanwhile, Jonny is going to go back home as well, to get his Associate’s and then go to art school (I am so happy for him! He’s going to do great! I can’t wait to see what he does!). In the fall, Marci is planning to move to Portland, and she’ll drop me a line when she does, so I’ll be back in northern Oregon for the fall (idealistically). She’ll be going to school for animation, and I’ll be working on getting some kind of film degree; somewhere in all that, Jonny and I’s paths will link back up for good. Being on opposite sides of two different states is going to be hard, but honestly, I’m so excited for him, so happy to see how much he’s looking forward to this (when he’s not anxiously making sure that I know he’s not ditching me), and, increasingly, looking forward to seeing what happens in Grants Pass. I’ve been dealing with this frequent question of whether or not it’ll turn out that I needed to go back to GP to straighten stuff out, put stuff behind me, and generally stop running from things (from what, I’m not exactly sure). But suffice to say, I think that, provided that we do this right, my returning to GP and Jonny returning to the Seattle area will be really good for both of us as individuals, and my hope is that once we’ve gone through that, we’ll be more ready to be together in the real world, as opposed to living in the CBCC bubble. The catch is that we do, indeed, do this right, which is a reason why I’d like to wait to leave CBCC until Christmas, because it gives us more time to really make sure that we know what we’re going to do when we leave. I’m not entirely sure what Will’s plan is, which is why the four of us really need to sit down and talk, so we know what we’re doing, but I’m a shipper for he and Marci. In my mind, while we all might spend some time physically apart (Skype definitely being a thing), we’ll all end back up together somewhere at the end of it. The four of us are determined to stick together, and keep each other as priorities in our lives.
For such a cynic, I do have a very idealistic side of me, and the above is merely the plan as we all see it so far. We don’t actually know what’s going to happen, but this is what we’re planning on so we have an idea to strive for, and we’ll see what actually occurs.
But I just wanted to catch everyone up on what happened this summer, and let you guys know what my plan is now.
Trial By Refiner's Fire 